A future mistake
If you’ve seen all I have seen. You would care more about me.
Tell me how you feel, and then you will understand.
I can tell you about that day I fell for him.
It was a beautiful and dark night, I sat there next to him.
His dark blue eyes captured mine when he took my left hand.
He kneeled infront of me, said my name with a sad voice.
I didn’t blink an eye. I was taken by surprise.
I thought, is this true? Am I really here?
Why does he care about a girl like me?
He told me everything he liked about me.
He brought up all the things he and I could do together in the future.
He told me what he really felt about me.
In that minute, I did my mistake.
Told him that I didn’t knew what to say.
‘Cause I was in shock, my head was all blank.
I couldn’t tell him about my strong love for him...
So, can you understand me now?
Do you understand how I feel after I have told you about my biggest mistake?
I can’t live, can’t do anything right.
Whatever I do, I just think about him.
Every minute, there are silent tears falling from my eyes.
I’m crying. Because of him. For you.
My whole body is screaming after the one who took what's left of my heart.
How can I be such a fool?
I didn’t even have the chance to say why...
Nathalie -06
I wish
Wish me love
Wish me song
Give me all
that you got.
Give me the longing
I have been waiting for.
Wish me hate
Wish me dead
Give me all
that you´ll fate.
Give me all happiness
I have been dreaming of.
Wishing of longing...
Nathalie -05
Lost
Where are you? Do you feel where I have gone?
I can’t reach you. I don’t understand. I don’t know where I am.
It’s all dark. Can’t see.
I feel this cold in my chest. Feel ice beneath my feet.
I can hear something lurging behind me.
I’m afraid. Where am I?
Can’t you find me? Where have you gone?
Please come back. I scream. High and loud for help.
It’s all silent. Not a sound anywhere. It’s so silent.
I can’t even hear my own breath, nor my pounding heart.
God, where am I? Cannot someone help me?
Suddenly, ahead of me, a shadow crossing my path.
“Stop! Don’t go! Come back!”
I run, the fastest I can, I’m almost behind the shadow.
But, it’s gone…
Still I’m trying to follow it.
My hands are freezing cold,
I can’t even use them to move branches off my face.
My only love has left me, he’s gone.
I have abandonded myself. All warmth has disappeared.
It will never return to me.
The courage is gone, the hope is lost.
My soul has fallen apart.
I’m cold.
I have fallen down. Lying there in the snow.
Closing my eyes.
And take my last, longing breath…
Nutley -07
Madman
He jumped over me like I was some victim.
I hit his chest, he screamed.
Then he took my armes and locked them, I didn't have a chance to move.
I screamed for help, he kissed my lips to shut me up.
I tossed my head backward som hard that I hitted my head in a wall.
I moaned and felt like my scull would expload.
He kicked my legs foward, I lost my balance and felled on the ground.
For the second time he jumped over me, and with his bodyweight he
held me down on the ground.
I couldn´t come up. I was trapped.
Again I screamed but he slapped my face, my cheakbone sounded like it cracked.
It sippred blood out my nose. He laughed.
He laughed wicked but quiet.
I stared at him, he was out of his mind!
He acted not just like a rapist, also like a madman.
"Oh my God", slipped out of my mouth.
"Shut the fuck up", he said.
Quick as an elephant he tried to open my jeans.
It was like that he didn´t knew how to do it.
I tried to move but he was faster than me, he had me trapped again.
I tried to kick him, I tried everything.
Suddendly my pants was off, he got loose on my blause. Almost naked.
I begged for my life. Tears drowned my eyes, he stopped with that he was doing and looked at my face.
He had brown eyes, beautiful eyes. Blond hair, unspecial face.
Then I heard "what the". I looked up, tried to look behind me.
A man stood a bit further from us and looked like he was going to run off and forget everything he had seen that night.
"Help me", I wispered. My voice was almost gone.
The man looked at my face and the second after he stood over me and the madman. The friendly man grabbed the rapist and tried to drag him off me. Madman got upset, looked over his shoulder but he tried to hang on on me.
Then I felt this terrible pain in my head again.
Madman had pointed a kick right in my head like a last goodbye. I responded with a long curse.
After that everything was black.
I never remembered anything of that afterwards. Ever...
Nutley
Paint, Kill, Peace
Create a murder, spill blood.
Write peace, on every black house.
Empty the can, no color.
See someone lying, no life.
End the fight, no argument.
End her time, no question.
What, if.
Ever knew how to handle the feeling.
Most wonderful is the longing.
The fear of your meeting.
All the what ifs and how and when.
Does he respect me, does he really need....no. Don't say it.
Am I the one for him, is he really good for me.
All these questions are torturing me.
Every day.
Afraid of what to say, what to do.
How to react if he's not what I've expected.
I already like him. Too much.
Dangerous feelings, naughty thoughts.
Happiness
Glanced sounds through doors.
Turning the paper to the other side.
The shell can sometimes be sharp.
How much more can we take?
Are you satisfied with our life?
People of earth is not worth much.
Think in new ways.
Warmth does not only come from the inside.
How long will you live this life...?
(In)Sane
In his life you can see.
Flying trains, floating cars.
In his world you want to be.
Sane or not, it’s all about happiness.
Realistic you are, believing you don’t.
True or false, he don’t care.
Joining him, he expext you won’t.
Feel free be whoever you want
Think in other point of views
He can help you, he can guide you
A happie life, don’t think of time.
He knows what to do.
Make a stair of clouds
Build a home made of flowers
Eat leafs for breakfast
Join the people in the towers.
He doesn’t want to be alone
A group of sanity he wants to gather
Help him to bring out the world of light
Take a knife and strike, it doesn’t matter.
Keep the promise, make him glad.
Or someone of you the knife will stab. . .
Leaving
Beneath it’s cold as water.
Inside is dark as a closed closet. Outside it’s light as snow.
The hands in the pockets you can see.
Long legs takes two steps in one.
Leaving home made of stone.
Longing for warmth of a smile.
Closing the jacket, body shivering like an old hand - trying to reach.
Memories with bad feelings starting to fade.
The snow melting, grass is showing with a colorful field behind.
Strong thoughts stops, a snowflake melting on his cheak.
Eyes of joy reflects through the snowing sky.
Long legs taking four steps in one.
Leaving the home made of stone.
Behind the Wooden Wall
Things are starting to be more deep
Years passing by, their music always pressed on repeat
Life is fading, feelings dies
Tone of love has come to the end.
What to do, how to turn on the light
Will happiness ever be the same
Behind the wooden wall they will stay
With a wall of glass between
They can see, but not to touch
They can talk, but not to hear
Bond has broken, want no scar to be shown
Following, still feeling alone
Talking, still being alone
Laughing, no one smiles.
See a glimpse of light, white teeth shining in the black room.
Emotions growing between
Things are more deep. . .
Will she come back
“I killed a girl today.
They called her by my name.
I’m not sure what I intended to do, it just happened.
She were never happy.
She was so full of hate.
I’m not sure if she had someone to rely on.
One day I thought I hade to do something about it.
It couldn’t go on like this.
I wasn’t sure what to do.
The next day I knew what to do.
I had to kill this girl.
But I wasn’t sure how.
It just happened.
Now I’m happy.
Girl of hatred is gone.
But I’m not sure for how long.
Maybe she’ll come back, one day. . . ”
Nutley -09
Our Letter
I was writing a letter.
That letter to you. It took forever.
My hands was shivering. I was so excited. What if you liked it? I hoped so.
What if you didn’t?
It was months ago now I last heard something from you.
Where have you gone?
I drank my coffee while the pen was drawing those beautiful words to you.
It was poetic. Lovely. A letter full of love and feelings. And a confession.
A confession to you, about how much I’ve thought about you.
Haven’t you noticed that yet?
My hand wrote those words that translated my feelings.
The weeks passed.
I had sent my letter a long time ago.
I sat in my kitchen, drank the coffee, from the same cup. My favourite. It tasted nothing.
I waited. Where have you gone?
The months passed.
I sat outside my house. Waited.
Waited for your letter to come. Where is it?
Days passed.
Did you even get my letter?
The letter with all the poetic and beautiful confessions camed to you house.
But the letter remained unopened. You didn’t read it. Ever.
Your hands were too cold. They didn't have the life to open it.
You were lying there infront of everybody.
People griefed over you, cried and remembered you.
They sank you deep down in the ground.
You didn’t get the chance to read it..
It all ended that day while I sat at my knees next to your grave.
I took my farewell.
Tears felled from my face, down at the rose I held in my hand.
At last, I gave you the letter.
I kissed it, our love in words, one last time and gaved you the last chance to read it…
Our letter."
The Memories
I’ve got this feeling. This strange feeling.
It is stuck, deep down in my soul.
It is stuck there, I cannot reach it.
I do not know how this feeling is like.
Maybe it is a beautiful thought of you,
something I have forgotten about.
Maybe the feeling is a dark and sad memory of her.
Her, that piece of whore, both you and me knew. Our friend.
I remember a room, candles, a bed.
Black, curly, long hair wrangled upon your face.
Tiny and pale hands around your body.
Your blue eyes, watching her every move.
I remembered a scream. A terrible and painful scream…
I’ve got this feeling, a warm memory deep down in my mind.
A child.
A small hand in mine.
Two little feets running cross the floor.
A sound of laughter in the garden.
He is my happiness. My pride. My child.
A child with my mind and colours.
And your eyes...
Heaven
How do you think it feels like when you never give me a call?
How do you think it feels like when you don’t seem to care?
Do you think it feels like heaven when you turn your back on me, when you walk away?
I have cried many nights now. It will never end.
I live in hell. There’s no love here, there’s no hapiness, no laughter.
I can’t breath. Can’t eat. No sleep.
My mind will soon exploid ’cause all I think about is you, all you.
God, have mercy. Can’t someone help me! Can’t you help me?
Can’t you come back, oh please, turn around and come back to me.
Don’t ever leave me. Ever again. Stay, stay forever.
Forgive me, and I will forgive you. We don’t deserve eachother, but we fit together.
We are one, one soul and body.
How do you think it’s like when you look into my eyes?
How do you think it’s like when you touch me and my soul?
It feels like heaven…
Kidnappad
"Horbarn" tänkte hon.
"Hur fan fick jag till dem egentligen? De är nog det sämsta jag har producerat nångång i hela mitt liv. Jag lyckades till och med bättre med det hembrända rödvinet som jäste över. "
Ex-mannen stod utanför huset med bilen igång, klar för start.
Han tittade på klockan, och tittade upp mot huset.
Inget tecken på liv någonstans...
Kvinnan kastade i de sista sakerna och kläderna i barnens ryggsäckar.
Tog fram deras ytterkläder och kastade dem i ansiktet på dem.
"Klä på er!" spottade hon ut.
De två barnen, tittade sorgset på sin mor, gav varandra varsin förstående blick och började ta på sig sina jackor.
"Skynda er för fan! Han väntar ju!"
Stressade försökte de komma i de alledes för små jackorna.
De hade börjat växa mycket på sistonde. Varken modern eller deras far verkade förstå att det var dags för nya kläder.
"Men vad i helvete! Ni är ju sena! Va fan håller ni på med? Har ni blivit alledes efterbliva, kan ni inte ens ta på er era kläder?"
I sin ilska röck hon tag i flickan, ruskade henne så hårt att flickans huvud flög fram och tillbaka.
Kvinnan morrade: "Ungjävel, du är nå jävulskt lik din far ska du veta! Lika tafatt, och varken han eller du kan ju göra nåt vettigt alls!"
Flickan pep till och slet sig loss, medan hon sprang mot dörren.
Den yngre brodern fick tillslut på sig jackan, en söm gick upp vid axlarna.
Han tog upp flickans kvarglömda väska, tog på sig sin egen och flög mot dörren.
Modern sa inte ens ett farväl till sina barn.
Hon gav bara pojken en sista blick innan hon vände om på klacken med ett belåtet leende på läpparna...
Vid bilen stod fortfarande barnens far och tittade på klockan. "Var är dem?", tänkte han.
Tillslut gick han fram till huset, och knackade på.
Ingen svarade eller öppnade dörren. Inte ett ljud kom från huset.
Allt verkade öde.
"Hallå" skrek han och bankade hårt på dörren.
"Hallå, kärring! Vart är ungarna?! De skulle ha kommit ut för länge sen! Jag är redan sen till jobbet!" skrek han så ögonen mörknade och ansiktet blev rödare än färgen på han nya volvo.
Pojken kom ut på bron, där flickan väntade på honom.
Han suckade och gav väskan till henne. De gick ner för trappan och gick ut mot trottoarkanten.
Framför dem stod en svartglänsande bil. Ganska smutsig, men den verkade nytillverkad.
"Har pappa köpt en ny bil nu igen? sa pojken.
"Tydligen så har han det" svarade storasystern.
De öppnade bakdörrarna, klev in och satte sig.
Flickan gick in sist, stängde dörren och tog på sig säkerhetsbältet.
Hon gav inte sin far en blick, utan stirrade envist ut genom fönstret.
Pojken gnydde till och stirrade mållös på personen i framsätet.
Flickan tittade förvånat på sin bror och följde hans blick.
Dörrarna låstes med ett dovt klick...
Nutley -07
